The Playlist Ep O2

Bed of Stones-Asa

🎶Some hope but they let go
Some hope but they don't know
Which way will the wind blow
What will tomorrow bring
What will tomorrow🎶

This isn't one of those pieces I would write days before and then proof read afterwards until I was certain it could be understood from my eyes.No

This is one where I just write and hope it reaches those who can relate

See it as noodles drenched in so much pepper…if you like your meals like that then join me

Its strange that I'm up at this time…lol no

There's nothing strange about my being up now, my sleep schedule is as messed up as everything that goes on in my head

But Its just strange that I'm infact thinking at this time but then again I'm not thinking, I'm probably just wondering…or maybe I am infact thinking

Exactly!! This has been the issue, I have been unable to decide what it is I'm feeling, unable to identify what emotion keeps my heart heavy and my eyes wet

Sometimes I feel a certain type of rage but most times it doesn't feel like what rage is, other times its a feeling of emptiness, a certain kind of numbness that never reaches my heart because there's still a lingering pain there from nothing at all…if you understand

Ayobami

recently sent a newsletter titled “Peel Back” and something he said stuck…it kind of felt like I was back to Grade 4 and Ephraim was busy saying ntor to me while sticking his bum out to me “I say I let go easily,but here I am, thinking of everything that was once mine,or could have been.A guitar. A violin. A Barbie house”

Yes, while I may not worried about a violin or a guitar, I still spend a lot of time wondering what happened to both of my bycyles…i never gave them out, they simply vanished

for someone who claims to let go easily,i have had so many what ifs thoughts to last me for a life time, what if the innocence of childhood never ended and I wasn't up at this time worrying about a future that isn’t even promised

For someone who has been a delusional advocate of the “let them” principle

It bothers me so much that I carry emotions I cannot place my fingers on

There are questions I want to ask the ones who brought me to this world, I've carried this questions in my heart for so long that now I hear my mind scream these questions at them when I stare at them

It feels like wiping the tears of another while every part of your body bleeds but only you can see the wounds

I care too much about what friendships have become to me…..an illusion, I worry that I may never be able to have genuine friendships because I haven't been in a proper friendship since I grew up to this point…but what we never really talk about is the trauma that comes from being in wrong friendships, now I can't tell if this person really likes me as their friend or if I'm just the next available place to turn to…do you know what happens next, I ghost them…i run away from them and I may have lost genuine people in the process but at least I saved my heart from another friendship that may have turned out really bad…paint my right cheek white for extreme clownery😔

For someone who claims to not care, I spend so much time worrying that I may infact be the problem but then again, I know I'm not

Someone told me you do not say to yourself “oh I'm a good person” you let people be your mirror but how can I not recognize the one trait I spend a lot of time worrying about

How do I identify the good in another person when I'm not allowed to see the good in me? How do I identify what I do not know

But I am infact a good person

For someone who claims to not care, I spend a lot of time day dreaming about all of the what ifs in my life especially the ones from the early beginning of my life, it was simply the happiest time of my whole life and sometimes I just wonder what if this had followed me up until this stage, what if this never left, what ifs…lol

For someone who claims to not care…i genuinely worry about Nigeria, because if I'm being honest there's no where for me to run to and I'm scared because an egg is now 250 naira and caprisonne is now 300naira

If you're wondering why this bothers me a lot...its because I'm looking at where my snacks would usually be at and shaking my head…if I talk about the price of plaintain…i may cry while at this but this is just me with a roof over my head, good food and proper education

I worry about the little kids that go from door to door hoping they're allowed to sweep compounds for little amounts and I wonder how many more compounds they may have to sweep before they can afford to eat a proper meal especially with this food prices…

For someone who claims to not care it's 2:00AM and I'm still ranting to all of you but it's okay, I may be oversharing but I'm consoled by the thoughts that you share this same concerns or at least some…but what if life was still as simply as the time of our fathers

We may be fighting over a piece of land at this very moment but not for the biggest tuber of yam at the market😔

On a really serious note,I really wonder what tomorrow would bring…